I was told ubiquitously that I don't look my age i.e. 48 (what does 48 looks like anyway?) but I have always feel much older, with a mind of an octogenarian due to my pessimistic nature and seem to have lost interest in the world becoming, that I have had enough of living and seeing this world of decadence and I can't help but squirm at the notion of longevity and eternal life. My life has always been a mess, filled up with medical appointments and unfulfilled aspirations, not to mention the disappointments and rejection which I have experienced over the years and is now becoming too much to bear. Suicidal thoughts are constantly lurking in my head and I no longer find anything interesting or worthy of my attention and efforts anymore...
No wonder I have aged a lot, not that it shows on my face or my appearance thanks to my genes and being Chinese. I feel myself rotting inside, wilting away one day at a time. Reading the blogs on women at their 80's still being active, looking stunning and the stamina they possess makes me wonder how these goddesses could be so full of life, what their secrets are to age positively. There are loads of thriving women who are doing amazing things in their midlife, all the while becoming more powerful and incredibly accomplished. I suppose youthfulness isn't age related but rather an attitude or mindset, and these women are certainly defying ageing and embracing a new concept of age disrupting. They are showing up each and every day being bolder and braver. Reading about celebrities in magazines looking fabulous at 58 or 78 make my confidence plunge even lower.
Feeling old is a question of attitude. I give up enthusiasm and set limits for myself based on a number (I was devastated when I hit 30.). I refuse to give myself a second chance at life. Accepting the process of ageing isn't for the faint of heart, and I can't possibly avoid the onset of deterioration of my ageing innards and functioning, as my appointments with specialists are getting more frequent. I am constantly reminded in my mind's eye that I am no longer in my prime and I avoid the mirror at all costs. What lies ahead take incredible strength and endurance which I lack. I am already exhausted and completely flat out by the daily grind life brings and have come to a stage when I don't even bother or care about anything anymore. Living (or simply existing) in my own bubble in isolation and doing crossword puzzles take up most of the days which help killing time but absolutely meaningless.
So what exactly do I want or how can I possibly pull myself out of this quicksand which is about to bury me alive? The phenomenon of positive ageing is gradually unfolding as a new concept for us boomers. The premise is that we need something to reach for or look forward to as the number goes up. Women are travelling more to see the world, staying active, pursuing hobbies and engaging in ongoing learning and intellectual activities. Retirement at the official age of 65 is a thing of the past when women are continuing with productive activities, work and managing interpersonal relationships. They are more health conscious and medical procedures to overcome an illness are the norm, regardless of their financial status.
The world has undergone major changes only in the recent past 20 years or so thanks to the advanced technology, requiring us to pay attention to what is new on a regular basis. The world is now designed and dictated by a younger generation with a whole set of capabilities and biological make-up. Maybe realising that everything is contextual could open up a world of possibilities for us boomers. Being labelled or put in a box of a certain category is indeed limiting. Pains and disabilities happen to people of all ages and helplessness and dependence can truly fuck up our mental and physical states. So what do you believe in?
As a Personal Stylist, it is my responsibility to present myself decently and no matter what my age is or if I am in the mood for it, I have to make myself visible by visiting my hair stylist, religiously applying make-up albeit minimal, and putting together a fabulous outfit and look which I am proud of. I guess this is a start to changing my old and limiting beliefs of getting old and outdated if nothing else would.
No comments:
Post a Comment