Self-Care...anyone?

I have recently been diagnosed with hypertension and medication is necessary to keep my pulse within control which means a new drug is introduced to my already flawed and degenerating system from different ailments dictating most of my life. Unfortunately my body doesn't agree with this new member and I am absolutely terrified seeing someone with rashes all over the face and swollen lips looking back at me.

For years I haven't worn anything that showed my legs or my arms because of the scars accumulated from a long history of eczema (prurigo nodularis). My limbs are always covered even in the heat of summer as they are unsightly and I am currently looking for maxi dresses / skirts which hem at my ankle for that matter. Off the shoulder / cold shoulder tops are definitely out for me and going for my size i.e. XXL or a size 14/ 16 is difficult in a city where the majority of the locals are chopstick skinny of a size 6. 

Having been on steroid for over a decade brought about type 2 diabetes a couple of years ago, not to mention the side effect of truncal obesity and getting bruises all over my body with even a soft touch of the skin. I was told by many that I have an 'out of proportion' body (as if I don't know about it already) and that I have put on weight whenever I wear white (it is currently 34C with a humidity of 99% over here in Hong Kong!). Not that I give a shit about what other says about my appearance but I must confess I am bothered by those unsolicited comments which drain me nevertheless.

Do I feel frumpy? Kind of. I feel less than. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. There is nothing I can do to make me look better so I might as well give up. Totally depleted, depressed and discouraged from just staying alive. But wait a second, how can I surrender when my job as a personal stylist is to uplift women who lack confidence looking for my advice? How can I possibly help my clients without helping myself first? 

A bit of TLC towards myself is crucial to rebuild my confidence, especially when I don't feel I deserve it . So what actions have I taken after asking myself what I really want or need and why? What are my values?

• I read a book (a real book with pages I can flip over with my hands) instead of watching TV
• I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon if my body says so
• I concoct different flavoured iced tea in tall jugs ready to be consumed throughout the day (I don't like plain H2O)
• I make sure to set aside some time for creative exploration such as making collage or journalling
• I eat loads of veggies and fruits (and am about to place my first order of fresh produce for home delivery starting in August)
• I am trying to hit the sack earlier i.e. say 1am instead of 3am 
• I review my commitments and try not having a full plate 
• I am brewing my coffee instead of getting the 'instant' fix
• I am not going to sacrifice my me-time under any circumstances as I do need unstructured solitude to stay sane (I am my best company afterall!)
• I tend to be cooking more ever since I was sentenced to a life-long disease of diabetes and meal planning is what I am learning to do from my dietitian (any nice and easy soup recipe?)
• I am not afraid to say no and I don't mind being selfish if this is what it means by looking after myself 
• I listen to my heart and trust my intuition more
• I make taking annual sabbaticals a necessity (and I am looking forward to my trip to Iceland in October)

I suppose I am so much more than just my appearance, which has changed quite drastically at different phases of my life at various points in time. My needs and wants have also changed over time. Maybe the scarring is just there to remind me of what I have been through and survived. I like to be different and stand-out and I hope more people could embrace that. 

I believe I am gifted just like everybody else, each in their own ways, an artwork in progress. I believe I am needed as long as I am alive and there is a purpose for my existence. I am the most important person in my life and there is no-one else but myself to please.

What I have shared with you above are only what I believe in which have worked for me and you may not like or agree with any/ all of them. And that is okay. We are unique individuals with our own lives to live but trust me, you only have yourself to account for so be kind to yourself and go easy.