Inner Confidence (part 2)

Welcome to part 2 of the confidence series. As we looked at outer / physical confidence last week, are you showing yours in the way you move and stand? Have you visited your hair stylist yet for that cut long overdued? Are you spending time grooming yourself? Is your skin glowing? Are you taking time to dress nicely and right for the occasion? Are you moving with elegance? How are you holding your head? Are you standing tall and straight?  Are you being at ease with yourself?

Well, it takes a lot more effort and resolve to build inner confidence. You need to know your strengths and weaknesses. You welcome challenges and leave your comfort zone every now and then. You don't compare yourself to others, care about  their opinions and let setbacks get in your way. Inner confidence is the solid belief in your ability, skills and experience which grows out of self-esteem, the feeling of well-being and acceptance of your body and mind. Let go of all that does not serve you and that includes naysayers and those who don't get you! Embrace the unknown! Take concrete actions and get things done with no excuse! Set small do-able goals! Above all, remain true to you, live your life for you and be proud of who you are. Stop overestimating others and underestimating yourself. Be bold and dare to be different. 

I know. There is always someone else, more to learn and the grass does always seem greener on the other side. But none of these matter!

Inner confidence shows through everything. It speaks louder than your appearance. It is reflected by the way you carry yourself and the way you treat others.

Here are a few questions which help determine if you are a confident person or not:

1. Do you hold high standards for who you allow in your life?
2. Do you recognise and acknowledge yourself and your talents as being unique and valuable?
3. Are you self-reliant and strive to learn new things?
4. Do you recognise that you are already whole without your other half?
5. Do you love and care for yourself no matter what? Remember you are the priority!
6. Are you content with your own self-worth without the need to seek validation from others?
7. Do you walk away from a situation or a relationship where you are not valued or appreciated?

Don't worry if the bulk of your responses is NO. By taking concrete actions that improve your competence, your self-image, you can increase your self confidence that lasts. Here are some ways to boost your confidence which work for me:

• Honor your own personality,preferences and passions. When you know who you are, you can see why certain choices appeal to you. When you know who you were made to be, you know what you have to offer. Discover what exactly you want and what makes you happy. Assure yourself that you are enough.
• Know the reason why you are doing what you are doing in the first place. Ditch perfectionism and persevere in what you do with your heart.
• See the bigger picture if in doubt. 
• See yourself as a person on a journey, a work in progress and not as someone trying to measure up.
• See mistakes as exactly what they are, learn from them and move on / forward. Resiliency is the key.
• Drop the phrase: what if
• Add 'but' to negativities (there are 2 sides to the coin!)
• Add a 'yet' to defeating self talk
• Be humble and soak up others' knowledge and experience (and pay it forward when the time comes).
• Be prepared for any challenges which might arise.
• Live your principles, walk your talk.
• Speak slowly and assertively, like a congressman.
• Stop complaining and find a solution.
• Fight and win a bad habit and be proud of your achievement.

And while you are working on it, fake it until you make it with the following suggestions:

• look people straight in the eye and hold their gaze comfortably
• use open hand gestures but keeping it away from your face
• put your arm up as opposed to hugging ourselves
• distribute your weight evenly on both feet

I hope you find this article useful. 

Physical confidence... anyone?

This is probably the second time in years when I missed a blog post. I wasn't in the mood for it as my lips were badly swollen up due to the adverse effect of tapering down steroid and my body chemistry was simply in chaos. Anyway, I have now reluctantly increased the dosage and I can at least eat and chew properly without the burning sensation. So, to make up for last week, I am going to have a 2 part essay for you. The first (which is this post) is about outer confidence and yes, the one in the coming week is all about inner confidence. Hope you enjoy reading them.

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I am 48 and to be honest, I have a difficult time embracing my distorted body and blemished face. It takes me years (and I am still working on it) to accept my ageing appearance in the name of the passage of time and let it be as it is. I have no intention whatsoever to go under the knife, or to wear makeup for coverage. Grooming and looking decent are the keys. Yet I do spend quite a bit on quality skin care products which are necessary for eczema and that's about it. I have a disproportionate huge waist / belly due to the long term intake of steroid (truncal obesity in medical term) and yet nothing can be done to solve the problem as long as I am on medication. I decide to own my space and walk tall and be confident nevertheless. Come to think about it, nothing in the market can ever make us thin enough, pretty enough, and looking young enough.  The idea of 'turning back the clock' is absolutely ridiculous as there is the implication that we are not good enough to start with. No amount of magic potion advertised is going to stop us from ageing, a reality which isn't music to our ears but a harsh fact of life.

That said, we do have a choice as to how we present ourselves to the world. Physical appearance is important to a certain degree (and not completely vanity) as it gives us a level of confidence when we look into the mirror wearing a smile, feeling comfortable in our own skin. I always feel so much better after visiting my hair stylist. I have just purchased an pretty expensive pot of eye cream to reduce the puffiness. I get to decide how I wish to look without anyone's approval. I am trying to make peace with my ageing body and face. I want to live mindfully, and it is best to leave the past and embrace the present, making the best with what I have now.

Women should be confident in who they are without exception. I have always been a vintage junkie because of its uniqueness and timeless style. The vintage style suits me and I feel amazing wearing them. Statement  accessories are my weakness but they do help completing an outfit big time. I must admit It takes quite a bit of courage and confidence to stand away from the fashion crowd. Knowing your colours and body shape are the pre-requisites of appearing confident so dress according to your preference and not the latest trend and fads. Your clothes have the ability to raise your energy or make you look washed out. What we wear day in and day out affects how we feel and look, how we relate to others and what we attract into our lives (the psychology of colours!). 

No wedges for me thank you. I am more inclined to wear flatform or chunky heels which give me a confident stride.Tripping over a pair of stilettos wouldn't quite make the cut, would it?

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Part 2 is due to release next wed 8/23.

Graceful Ageing

Ageing and death are processes that begin on the day we are born, and for some people, it seems that we are just waiting for the inevitable to knock on our doors, not quite prepared for the last breath. Yes, it is not particularly enlightening when you look back to what you used to look like, your physicality and appearance, the accomplishments and the prime days when the world was rosy pink; and that is, compared to now. However, why the reminiscence but to accept the harsh reality of life and get older gracefully, to live better for god knows how long we have left instead?

Of all the recommendations from health professionals with regard to healthy ageing, I can't stress more about finding a new purpose in the second phase of your life i.e. post retirement or post 40 for that matter. It could simply be a pursuit of a passion or starting your own business. I am a life-long learner as I just thrive on learning new things and skills since my university days and my money goes to enrolling courses if not for travelling. Getting your beauty sleep of 7-9 hours is so so important for us should you believe the old sayings that older people require less sleep. 

I am 48 and I have no intention of hiding my age or turning the clock backwards with the latest technology for age reversal. I try not to compare myself of today with the person I used to look like. Accepting myself as the older version gives me confidence. I want to look and feel my best at the age I currently am. The past is history shelved in the attic and now I am free to be me at my best without the need to fit in or anyone's approval. I colour my hair, cut it real short (and about to shave it bald), planning to get my second tattoo,  not to look younger but to look my best with my complexion and style messaging. It is all the more crucial to develop a standout style to stay visible. What you wear and makeup tips and tricks certainly make an enormous difference!

In general the topic of death is a taboo as we fear death to the point of ignoring the signs of ageing. Wrinkles or not, death is part of the package we receive on our birthday and wrinkles do not mean death as young ones die pre-maturely these days. While you are still a breathing human being, you might as well embrace ageing gracefully and be beautiful!

trend or style? fashion wants or needs?

I have been asked on numerous occasions what the difference is between fashion and style and my opinion about it from a Personal Stylist point of view. To start, it is obvious that I am a Personal stylist (aka image consultant) and not a fashion stylist whose job I have written about previously in my blog. I wasn't born a fashionista until I turn 40 when I became interested in the way I felt about myself in different clothing items, my desire to be noticed and stand out (this is in the DNA) and of staying confident in whatever I did. Hence my decision to change career and trained to be a PS. I like to advise and help women over 40 to embrace their age and stay classy and sophisticated, establishing their signature style and be happy and confident in a life reinvented.

Ageing and being chic / stylish are not mutually exclusive. Mature women certainly deserve a more sophisticated style which is impossible or unwanted for the youth demographic. My shopping habit and criteria have changed drastically since I learned the nuts and bolts of my profession. I avoid linen and silk at all costs when it comes to the choice of fabric. Elements of design is another factor I take into consideration as I won't go for printed tees but solid colours. Even the size of the patterns and prints have to be in proportion to my body size and shape. 

I have nothing against fashion / trend per se but to me, finding your own style is definitely more important than following the ever changing trends and forecast. I enjoy browsing through magazines and catalogues to keep up with the latest in the field and use them simply as reference for my clients when they prefer something more visual as guidelines in my consultations. I like to be updated and kept sartorially current too without being a slave to fashion. If you are familiar with Style-Proud, you would know that I love creating outfit combinations by styling them differently, injecting a new colour and a change of details. I am lucky to have found a seamstress nearby whom I rely on and shopping is no longer a chore but an activity I do enjoy more these days. What a good fashion investment is varies from one person to another as cost and value are indeed subjective and setting some guidelines prior to shopping is a must. 

Far from being a trend setter / follower, I only pick items which flatter my shape, something which is versatile to fit well into the rest of my existing wardrobe and that I actually love such as flare jeans and ruffled sleeves. You won't see me in a cold shoulder top ever but I don't mind the latest embroidered fad on a white shirt. It is more of an attitude and perspective than being in trend and fitting in. As a go-to person for styling advice, fashion is all about the knowledge, a form of self-identity. What I wear on a given day very much depends on my mood, what I find interesting and what my day involves. I am definitely not a fashion addict in its broadest sense. 

And if you are curious about my shopping criteria, here you go:

• the need of a particular item arises when you find yourself missing something repeatedly when you put together outfits
• buy only items which work with what you already own and do a mental audit of how you will wear it in multiple ways to enhance your existing pieces
• no duplication (colour or style-wise) unless you are a 'uniform' person who refuses variety
• ask yourself where you are going in the item you pick up as it is a waste of money if it doesn't work for your lifestyle
• don't even consider something which doesn't flatter your figure for the sake of 'prettiness'

Make sense?

Positive Ageing for the 'depressed'

I was told ubiquitously that I don't look my age i.e. 48 (what does 48 looks like anyway?) but I have always feel much older, with a mind of an octogenarian due to my pessimistic nature and seem to have lost interest in the world becoming, that I have had enough of living and seeing this world of decadence and I can't help but squirm at the notion of longevity and eternal life. My life has always been a mess, filled up with medical appointments and unfulfilled aspirations, not to mention the disappointments and rejection which I have experienced over the years and is now becoming too much to bear. Suicidal thoughts are constantly lurking in my head and I no longer find anything interesting or worthy of my attention and efforts anymore...

No wonder I have aged a lot, not that it shows on my face or my appearance thanks to my genes and being Chinese. I feel myself rotting inside, wilting away one day at a time. Reading the blogs on women at their 80's still being active, looking stunning and the stamina they possess makes me wonder how these goddesses could be so full of life, what their secrets are to age positively. There are loads of thriving women who are doing amazing things in their midlife, all the while becoming more powerful and incredibly accomplished. I suppose youthfulness isn't age related but rather an attitude or mindset, and these women are certainly defying ageing and embracing a new concept of age disrupting. They are showing up each and every day being bolder and braver.  Reading about celebrities in magazines looking fabulous at 58 or 78 make my confidence plunge even lower. 

Feeling old is a question of attitude. I give up enthusiasm and set limits for myself based on a number (I was devastated when I hit 30.). I refuse to give myself a second chance at life. Accepting the process of ageing isn't for the faint of heart, and I can't possibly avoid the onset of deterioration of my ageing innards and functioning, as my appointments with specialists are getting more frequent. I am constantly reminded in my mind's eye that I am no longer in my prime and I avoid the mirror at all costs. What lies ahead take incredible strength and endurance which I lack. I am already exhausted and completely flat out by the daily grind life brings and have come to a stage when I don't even bother or care about anything anymore. Living (or simply existing) in my own bubble in isolation and doing crossword puzzles take up most of the days which help killing time but absolutely meaningless. 

So what exactly do I want or how can I possibly pull myself out of this quicksand which is about to bury me alive? The phenomenon of positive ageing is gradually unfolding as a new concept for us boomers. The premise is that we need something to reach for or look forward to as the number goes up. Women are travelling more to see the world, staying active, pursuing hobbies and engaging in ongoing learning and intellectual activities. Retirement at the official age of 65 is a thing of the past when women are continuing with productive activities, work and managing interpersonal relationships. They are more health conscious and medical procedures to overcome an illness are the norm, regardless of their financial status.

The world has undergone major changes only in the recent past 20 years or so thanks to the advanced technology, requiring us to pay attention to what is new on a regular basis. The world is now designed and dictated by a younger generation with a whole set of capabilities and biological make-up. Maybe realising that everything is contextual could open up a world of possibilities for us boomers. Being labelled or put in a box of a certain category is indeed limiting. Pains and disabilities happen to people of all ages and helplessness and dependence can truly fuck up our mental and physical states. So what do you believe in? 

As a Personal Stylist, it is my responsibility to present myself decently and no matter what my age is or if I am in the mood for it, I have to make myself visible by visiting my hair stylist, religiously applying make-up albeit minimal, and putting together a fabulous outfit and look which I am proud of. I guess this is a start to changing my old and limiting beliefs of getting old and outdated if nothing else would.

Self-Care...anyone?

I have recently been diagnosed with hypertension and medication is necessary to keep my pulse within control which means a new drug is introduced to my already flawed and degenerating system from different ailments dictating most of my life. Unfortunately my body doesn't agree with this new member and I am absolutely terrified seeing someone with rashes all over the face and swollen lips looking back at me.

For years I haven't worn anything that showed my legs or my arms because of the scars accumulated from a long history of eczema (prurigo nodularis). My limbs are always covered even in the heat of summer as they are unsightly and I am currently looking for maxi dresses / skirts which hem at my ankle for that matter. Off the shoulder / cold shoulder tops are definitely out for me and going for my size i.e. XXL or a size 14/ 16 is difficult in a city where the majority of the locals are chopstick skinny of a size 6. 

Having been on steroid for over a decade brought about type 2 diabetes a couple of years ago, not to mention the side effect of truncal obesity and getting bruises all over my body with even a soft touch of the skin. I was told by many that I have an 'out of proportion' body (as if I don't know about it already) and that I have put on weight whenever I wear white (it is currently 34C with a humidity of 99% over here in Hong Kong!). Not that I give a shit about what other says about my appearance but I must confess I am bothered by those unsolicited comments which drain me nevertheless.

Do I feel frumpy? Kind of. I feel less than. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. There is nothing I can do to make me look better so I might as well give up. Totally depleted, depressed and discouraged from just staying alive. But wait a second, how can I surrender when my job as a personal stylist is to uplift women who lack confidence looking for my advice? How can I possibly help my clients without helping myself first? 

A bit of TLC towards myself is crucial to rebuild my confidence, especially when I don't feel I deserve it . So what actions have I taken after asking myself what I really want or need and why? What are my values?

• I read a book (a real book with pages I can flip over with my hands) instead of watching TV
• I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon if my body says so
• I concoct different flavoured iced tea in tall jugs ready to be consumed throughout the day (I don't like plain H2O)
• I make sure to set aside some time for creative exploration such as making collage or journalling
• I eat loads of veggies and fruits (and am about to place my first order of fresh produce for home delivery starting in August)
• I am trying to hit the sack earlier i.e. say 1am instead of 3am 
• I review my commitments and try not having a full plate 
• I am brewing my coffee instead of getting the 'instant' fix
• I am not going to sacrifice my me-time under any circumstances as I do need unstructured solitude to stay sane (I am my best company afterall!)
• I tend to be cooking more ever since I was sentenced to a life-long disease of diabetes and meal planning is what I am learning to do from my dietitian (any nice and easy soup recipe?)
• I am not afraid to say no and I don't mind being selfish if this is what it means by looking after myself 
• I listen to my heart and trust my intuition more
• I make taking annual sabbaticals a necessity (and I am looking forward to my trip to Iceland in October)

I suppose I am so much more than just my appearance, which has changed quite drastically at different phases of my life at various points in time. My needs and wants have also changed over time. Maybe the scarring is just there to remind me of what I have been through and survived. I like to be different and stand-out and I hope more people could embrace that. 

I believe I am gifted just like everybody else, each in their own ways, an artwork in progress. I believe I am needed as long as I am alive and there is a purpose for my existence. I am the most important person in my life and there is no-one else but myself to please.

What I have shared with you above are only what I believe in which have worked for me and you may not like or agree with any/ all of them. And that is okay. We are unique individuals with our own lives to live but trust me, you only have yourself to account for so be kind to yourself and go easy.

The Devil's Advocate...

I vividly remember the days before the advent of internet and mobile phones. The plain old black dial up telephone sitting on top of tomes of Yellow and White pages, its ring tone sounded exactly like our neighbour's. One landline shared between the entire family. There wasn't any call waiting service back then and you just had to keep dialing until you got through. And of course, voice mail was unheard of so leaving a message with your sibling was as reliable as the weather forecast. 

20 odd years later. The advertising industry is making megabucks from us. The mentality of consumers has changed for the worse. There are advertisement of all formats unceasingly attacking our optical nerves, our hearing organs and the rationality of our brains. Advertisement creates false needs by putting the need in our heads. The billboards and TV commercials make you think you need something i.e. what they sell; without which your life is incomplete and you are no longer en vogue. Didn't you survive all the same without the latest iphone back then? I don't possess the latest version of tablets on the market but I don't feel in any way deprived of it or that I am a lesser person. 

Companies are paying astronomical prices for our attention in order to get us buy what they are selling. Fair enough from a commercial business point of view but advertisements make our lives worse as long as we believe in the messages conveyed to us in a nice neat package. They win and we lose the minute we even contemplate of spending on what they are selling. I have a start up business myself but I don't like the idea of spending money on advertising on social media platforms, or buying spaces in glossy magazines for that matter. I do believe in substance, providing my potential clients with resourceful and educational contents and getting business referrals by word of mouth. 

I was in a computer shop the other day getting my portable wifi sim card when a camera caught my attention. I thought of my upcoming trip to Iceland and wondered if the new gadget would be something that I'd need to capture better photos for my travel journal. Nah, I have this Olympus camera which is working fine thus far and taking better photos is all about the skills and techniques and something newer is not going to make my photos gallery-worthy. I believe being mindful and living in the moment is far more important and rewarding than focusing on taking pictures with a new camera even of an advanced mode of specification. 

Advertisement is the fatal weapon that lures us mortals into a world of fantasy, the apple in the Garden of Eden. We don't need the fantasy to be happy. It's always better to face the reality and be content with what we already have and live with it. Just as my job requires my knowledge of fashion trends and predictions, I am not going to follow every step of the way! You won't have the false need of something if you don't know it exists. Out of sight, out of mind. How about if we let go of the need to know, which means not keeping up with the Joneses and stop comparing to Facebookers / Instagrammers whom we don't even know and be free from the traps advertising has set for gullible consumers once and for all?